This is the kind of letter I want you to read. The realization you need to have. I want you to know this in hopes that in the end, you will change and find happiness and true love. The former is easy. The latter, hmmm... It might take a while.
He will never leave you for me. And we both know it. All the cards have been laid and turned. We both put up the best fight of our lives: quiet but fierce and unrelenting. To him you are a habit, comforting, steadfast, and safe. I am a risk, a novelty, a curious little thing, an escape. You are familiar ground, and I am unchartered territory. Truth be told, you’ve always had the upper hand, and I never stood a chance.
What started as a joke that turned into a game eventually became a bargain. I never meant for me to like him, especially knowing you’ve been there all along. But he soon became the drug I can’t quit. I know you understand this part because the things I love about him are probably the same things you love about him too. How he drives too fast that the view outside becomes a blur. How he sleeps on one side only. How his face lights up when he eats bacon or the coffee is made just right. He drew me closer and closer, until he was too close I could no longer see clearly beyond his glow.
You ask me what it feels like to always be wanting to steal one from another. I ask you, do you know how it feels to always just be an afterthought? To always be on the waiting end, not knowing what to expect and not being in a position to demand anything more than the scraps left off your table? To know that you have every right to take him far away from me any time you want to? To not have an excuse for doing such a horrible thing as having an affair with someone else’s man?
I thought maybe I would be enough for him to want to leave you, but now it’s apparent that he won’t, and that’s only fair because I never should have even dared love him in the hopes that he will.
He will never leave you for me, even if there’s nothing else I would want more, even if there’s nothing that would make me happier and sadder at the same time. Even if I’m not sure that it’s what I really want, or if I can live with the consequences of that happening. No, I probably wouldn’t let him leave you even if he wanted to, because then I’d know that there’s a part of him that I would have taken that will always be void or broken that no amount of love from me could ever fill. Him leaving you would not make me victorious. It will just add up to the mounting guilt inside of me that not even his reciprocated love would be able to break down.
You must know that I am deeply sorry for a lot of things. One, for causing us three profound pain. Two, for getting in the way and completely forgetting my place. Three, for not setting things right when I should have. I’ve disrupted your balance and the damage is done. You will never feel secure again. He will never get your complete trust. I could never take back what I did nor could I turn around how people see me. I am now the scratched-out coupon that was left when the dream faded into reality. I’m hurting and bleeding and there’s no one else to blame but myself.
I have every intent of moving on, not because I want to, but because there’s no other way to go but forward. I need to recover every ounce of self-worth and piece together every broken shard left lying. I need to trust that I will make better decisions in the future. In the end I’m sure I will find my redemption, but for now I lay down my arms and surrender because the truth is, I have no fight left in me.
