Bucket List # 3: Tattoo

Ever since my dad had his Joker tattoo in his forearm, I’ve been wanting to have my own skin art. I do not have an exact design that time though but it’s been on my mind ever since. I envy those who have the courage to ink their bodies. They say it’s so painful that’s why I’m having doubts at first. I’m scared of needles. Hahaha! Until I saw Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Damn! I want the chant in her left shoulder blade written in Khmer script, the language of Cambodia. It was a prayer to protect her Cambodian adopted son. From afar, it looks like a bar code. That’s the reason why I liked it. And now, I want one on my back as well. I want the prayer for serenity and the passage from Psalm chapter 6. I’m still choosing between the two. So I think I won’t be having this one anytime soon. It’s quite big, I’ll start with something small first.

A friend of mine told me about having my tattoo personalized. To think of why I want to put a certain design on my body. It’s going to be permanent so why not have it my way. It makes sense! Having a tattoo that you can call your own, your own idea and perspective. No duplicates! The Light Grenades album cover caught my eye that day; it was my favorite band’s album, Incubus. It was a heart with an eye inside a grenade. It was so emo, so me!! Haha! Then I thought of having a tattoo on my ankle, an emo heart. But it has so many meanings to it. So, I started thinking why I wanted that. Then I remembered a saying about Love. “Love is not blind, it sees but it doesn’t mind”. That’s how I love. I give it all without asking something in return. Even if I do not get the results I wanted, I still choose to love. Even if it’s painful. Then I told myself, this one, I’ll have it personalized.

I went to Cebu recently and there was a famous tattoo artist in the City of Talisay, Ian Cabrido. I paid him a visit. I told myself that if he is really that great and he can give me a design of my emo heart, then I’ll have my 1st skin art done. I told him the story about my heart. I want people to see love and pain and hope when they see my emo heart. And here it is. A bleeding and hopeful and loving heart. With this, I know I can love again no matter how many times I get hurt.

Artist: Ian Cabrido
November 13, 2009
Talisay City, Cebu

Start Over

I started this year being alone. Right now, I’m ending it the same way. Damn! What’s with 2009? Hahaha! I can’t help but laugh. This year was like a rollercoaster ride for me. I’ve been to both extremes, happiness and loneliness. But I have a good feeling that the coming year will be awesome! I can’t wait for it to happen!

This time, it’s going to be about me!

Happiness is a choice and right now, I chose to be happy!
No more drama!
Just fun!

Lie

Sometimes, lying is easier than telling the truth. Knowing that you will hurt someone by being honest tends to complicate things and feelings. It confuses people. If you were to choose, what would you do?

Be honest and know that you will hurt someone? Or…
Just lie and pretend things didn’t happen?

Love should be enough.

When two people profess their love for each other but they cannot be together, they blame it on LOVE. They would say that love was never enough. But we all know that’s a lie. Love, in general, should be enough. If you can’t be together, maybe there’s something wrong with you Maybe your love for each other is not enough. Maybe, just maybe, you do not love him/her at all.

Don’t blame it on Love! The problem is you! Deal with it!

Sana, wala na lang!

You know that feeling when you wish you do not know anything at all? Things might be a little different when you have the power to delete some parts of your memory. Wipe away those days when you’re burnout. Just detach that special event or a coupe of dreadful moments from your head. Or for some, erase someone from their head. This will save them from all the sleepless nights they have. Those daydreaming and the “what could have been’s”. Minsan, gusto mo na lang tumakas sa mga nangyayari pero wala ka naman magagawa. Hndi naman mawawala ang problema unless you do something about it. Some people are strong enough to face the truth. They deal with reality with open mind. For some, they tend to forget what they know. Parang wala lang nangyari. Manhid na rin!

Ayoko na mag-isip!
Ayoko na magsalita!
Sana wala na lang akong alam!
Sana, wala na lang!!!

WISH

I wish I can carry your burden so you wouldn't feel pain on your shoulders anymore.

I wish I could be with you always so you won't feel alone again.

I wish you could just let me share with you my world so you can see how wonderful it is.

I wish.......

IKAW

Sa bawat pagmulat ng mata,
ikaw ang nakikita
Sa pagsapit ng dilim,
ikaw ang nais makapiling

Sa bawat tibok nitong puso,
pagmamahal ay mas sumisigla
Sa bawat sakit na nadarama,
ikaw pa rin ang nais makasama.

Paano na kung naglaho ka?
Paano na kung pag-ibig ay wala na?

Bucket List #2: Navel Ring

I was planning to get a navel ring when I was in HS but I was afraid to get one. They say it was painful and I don’t think I can handle it. My sister got hers last year and I was so jealous about it. I told her, I will get mine soon. But a friend of mine told me her story. She passed away while getting her piercing. Waaaaahhhhh!!!!! That didn’t help at all. I freaked out!! I was about to get mine already. Damn it!

But this year, it was part of my new year’s wish. To get my navel ring, once and for all. Come August of 2009, I went to Bora with my BB girls. It was not planned at all. I was buzzed already and I told them, what the heck! I need to get this done! We met a tattoo artist who happened to have a shop near Juice Bar. He does piercing too! Yey! And that night, I got my navel ring!

Isn’t it nice and sexy?

Bucket List #1: Moving Out

Being independent is something I thought I cannot do. Living on my own freaks me out. Having to do my laundry, cook food for myself, and clean the house, stuff like that. I don’t think I can do all those things. But my job calls for it. I work in Libis and I live in Pasay. My shift was changing back then, night shift to mid shift. At first, my parents wouldn’t agree with me to rent a condo near the office. But then, I tried to persuade them because I really need to find out how to live alone. I want to have my independence. Finally, they let me go. I was nervous at first but I need to prove them it was the right decision. There’s no turning back now.

My first unit was with my 3 girl friends, the KK girls. It was fun though the space was too crowded for us. We had so many crazy and fun moments in that unit. Drunken moments, crying time, crazy games, UAAP games, love blossoms and babies were made. Hahaha! If I can live with them again, I will. But we have separate lives right now. We have different priorities already, I guess. I had problems too with some roomies. You can’t please everyone, even your friend. My second unit was a disaster. It was like living with monster mom. I had a roommate who’s even worse than my mom. Seriously! I never thought it would end our friendship. Oh well.. Things happen for a reason. And now, I live with a friend, just the 2 of us. I get to experience how it’s like to be alone. Really! It’s when I go home at night and she’s not yet there. I get to feel how to live alone, literally and emotionally. It was scary at first. I feel lonely and sad. I feel pain. But then, it gives me the time I need to think about my life, about what I want to happen. Being independent doesn't have to feel you're alone too. I got lost. I realized I need to find myself again. I need to do things for myself and not for other people. I need to find my own happiness instead of relying on someone else to make me happy or make me laugh. That’s the time I realized, I need to stand on my own feet and be strong!

Living alone is scary…. But it’s also fun. You just have to allow it.

Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.

This is so confusing. I thought I was starting to find my own happiness already. One day, I was done with all these drama, the next thing I know, I was in wheel again. Crashing and burning at my own fire. I still love him but I’m not sure if what he feels right now will last. I have no idea what happened to him and the girl he likes. I didn’t even ask him about her anymore. Maybe, I’m scared of what I’m going to hear. But I guess I need to ask him about her soon. There are so many unanswered questions in my head. It’s making me crazy. But how will I start? Can my system process more of these drama? I think one wrong move and it’s gone! I’m going to breakdown already.

My friend told me to ask an honest question for me to get an honest answer. It’s not that easy. I think I was not ready for this. I never thought that we’ll be like this again. That he would still love me after everything that happened to us. I did a lot of crazy stuff while I was moving on. He found someone who can make him happy. He almost found love in the process of moving on as well. I broke his heart the day I told him about my condition. I feel terrible about it. I wish I shouldn’t have told him about it so that things would still be the same the way we left it. But this happened for a reason. He was right about it. He wouldn’t realize how much I mean to him if this didn’t happen. But still, we can’t be together. I am not ready to be hurt again. As much as I love him, as much as I want him, I’m still scared that one day, he will leave me again. I’m not sure if things will be as easy as before. Right now, I feel jealous every time he’s texting a “girl” friend. I’m not like this before. I know it’s stupid to think of it that way but knowing that he’s not mine, makes me feel that’s there’s no hope in us anymore. That this thing we do is just a leftover reflex from while we were a couple. For all I know, he’s flirting with other girls too. I don’t know! I can’t think straight right now! All I know is that I want him! I still love him! But there are some things we need to fix first before we can be together. There are things we need to find, ourselves maybe. We need to create ourselves again. I’m not sure if he’s ready to commit again. One thing’s for sure, if he’s going to fight for this again, I will too.

I know, you people might say I’m just being paranoid or I’m thinking too much stuff. I know I’ve been too hard on myself lately, thinking of what have I done to deserve something like this. But then I realized, this happened because it was meant to happen. I need to learn from this and learn to live life again. I’ve done crazy stuff to move on. And most of them, I regret. I need to start moving on again. This time, I need to do it the right way. I’ve been relying on other people to make me happy well in fact; I am creating my own solitude. The path I choose is the path I’ll live.

I need to take control of my life from now on.

I need to take control of how I feel.

I need to create my own happiness!

LOST

This is one hell of a week for me. Emotions are brimful. I don’t think I can take in more of these. Someone close to me lost someone. I feel like I lost someone too, he was close to us, my HS friends. Their home is like our home too. And now, that home wouldn’t be complete without his voice, without his laugh.

.....That home wouldn't be complete without him in it.

Where I’m from, everyone’s a Hero!

Project OH!
On that day...
They lost everything.
Today...
We can do so much.

Give an hour
For the Ondoy victims.
The ONDOY HOUR.

This is a project of IBM Business Services to help prepare the relief items for employees affected by Typhoon Ondoy. With just an hour of our time, we can help a lot of people already.

A lot of people have lost their houses because of this tragic event. Even their loved ones were gone, now. All we can do now is pray. Pray for all the people who were affected, pray for all the people who left this world without a warning. This event was truly heartbreaking for me. Maybe because a lot of my friends and loved ones were affected as well. I am one of the fortunate ones who didn’t have to be rescued by the boats. Or swim in order to be saved. I’ll be dead by now if that happens because I don’t know how to swim!! =(

Glad to say that our house survived Ondoy. My dad, mom and sister were all safe inside. Although they were trapped because they cannot go out of the house because the flood was waist-deep. Ate was not as lucky as I am though. She was stranded in a gasoline station near her office. She cannot move since all roads are either closed or not passable because of the heavy traffic and flood all over metro. I am stucked in the condo with my friend. We stayed there the entire day and watched TV series, movies, eat, drink and eat. It was boring, waiting for the calamity to stop. Hopeless! We watched the news and it was so disheartening. We had to stop it. We can’t even watch them suffer!

The aftermath was even more miserable as I expected it. An American Dweller here in the Philippines says, “I wish you all could see the amazing community spirit, charity and compassion in the Philippines. What I see happening here totally blows away the response to hurricane Katrina. People here have less to give, yet they are giving abundantly. There is such a greater story than just the death toll that lame American media flash to capture.” After reading this, I feel proud to be a Filipino (not that I am not proud to be one). But it might bring hope to each and every one of us. Hope to those who are affected that even if they have nothing, and even if the country is suffering, there’s still hope. Filipinos can find ways how to survive even if there’s nothing left, even if there’s nothing more to give.

Stop

This has to stop. It's not helping me. Checking all his updates, giving him information that he doesn't need. He might not care, for all I know. I thought I could be a friend but knowing that he is rambling about someone I barely knew, or doesn't even know at all, makes me jealous. I know, this is insane. After 7 months of not being together. After 4 months of pain, crying and moving on.. I am still in the brink of this same old mess. A mess that should have been gone a long time ago.

Yes, I have moved on. Or I just thought I did. But now, this has to stop. All the hoping, all the caring, all the love I have for him. I know we can still be friends. He's been good to me. But I need to distant myself. I need some time alone, I need some time away from him. I need to learn how to live without him now. Then after that, maybe, just maybe, we can be the best of friends I thought we were. We can't be friends like this. He can't be my friend if he doesn't know what I really feel. He can't be my friend if I can't be honest with my feelings about him.

"It was painful already to know these facts thru your blogs You were supposed to tell me this long time ago. Right before it started! I hate to say this but you do not have one word, Mister! Do you have Alzheimer's already to forget about our conversation? About being honest? Damn! I thought you were different! I was wrong!! I know, I do not have the right to rant about this now but this is how I feel. It's time for you to know how I feel."

This will stop! This battle will end right now. You're not the only one playing hide and seek here. I always play the same game. And I promised myself that I will not lose this time.

I will win this game!

The Man at the End of the Movie

Every woman dreams of a perfect man. Someone with a huge mansion, a very promising profession. Tall, dark and handsome. Knows how to play basketball, can drive a speedboat and can fly a plane. A man who can make you smile just by doing nothing. Definitely someone who can make you say “Yes” when he popped the big question. But guess what, that man only exist in the movies. But all of us have their own story, a blockbuster movie to tell. This man still does not exist in mine. At least, not now.

I wish I could find that man. A man who could be at the end of my movie. Someone who can make me cry just by laughing so hard. Someone who would wipe my tears when I’m in pain. Someone who would never leave. A man who has the courage to fight for me. A man who’s willing to sacrifice everything just to be with me. I know my movie doesn’t end like this. I know I will soon find my happy ending. I know this movie will not end, not so soon. I still have so many stories to share. And at the end of it, my man will be there, waiting for me. And when that day comes, I will say Yes!

And my movie will end.

somebody

somebody misses your smile
reassuring, kind and sincere
the touch of your hand
the sound of your voice
the comfort of knowing you're near

somebody misses the magic of the wonderful things you do
the secrets you hold
the dreams you reveal
the way you make wishes come true...

somebody waits for tomorrow
another closer day
to when the hoping is ended,
the wishing is over
and somebody holds you again.

08.03.07

make it or break it

Sometimes you ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing or not. We’ll never know unless we try, right? It’s better to do something now rather than let it slip away and regret what you could’ve done. I gave up so many things already, gave up so many times for so many reasons, and I regret it… always! Sometimes I was given a chance to get it back and make things right for me but most often than not, I lose. I know there are times that I was reluctant to trust him. But the truth is, he’s been so honest with me more than anyone has been. And I really feel sorry for feeling that way. It’s sad that it has come to this. That we’re both hurting so much because of the things we couldn’t control. But I still believe that we can still make it because we’re still together. We’re in this together! Some people might not like it that we are but there’s still hope in my heart that eventually they will accept what we have. People can easily judge a person. I do that sometimes, and it doesn’t do me any good. I’ve learned so many things for the past month. And one of them is giving. If you want someone to be happy, give them what they want. Set them free, if needed. You can’t ask a person to stay if he/she doesn’t want to. That’s being unfair not just to the other person but to yourself as well. Everything’s not just about you. There’s a whole world out there that cares about you and watches you fall down so hard. So don’t be afraid to be alone. You’ll never be. Somewhere, someday, there would be someone who’ll fit into your world and who will accept you. It may not be a perfect world, but I assure you, it’ll be worth it. I’m living my life now as if it was my last day. I wanted to make things right this time. I don’t want to worry about the past nor the future. I just want to be happy, and make sure that all the people around me are happy. So I say, make it! I know I can!

10.06.2007

9 mornings

Re-posting. This was created last December of 2007. I just love this entry and it sucks that I do not have a blog site back then, i just have multiply!! Boo!!!

==================================================================

At last, I was able to finish this year’s Misa de Gallo. My first, ever! I was able to hear mass for 9 mornings in San Roque Parish Church (4:30AM) & Holy Family Chapel (5:30AM). Guess what? I was able to wake up in the middle of the night during weekends. Hahaha… I missed the famous puto bumbong, bibingka and hot chocolate. Damn! I gained weight! =P

Most Filipinos believe that if you were able to complete these and you make a wish, it’ll come true. I do not believe in that. Well, I used to but I didn’t complete these Misa de Gallo for just one wish. I was guilty for not being able to hear mass for the past couple of months. I think I owe HIM this one. I’ve been through a lot this year and sometimes, I just wanted to be alone. During those times, I talk to Him. Asking what my life would’ve been if I made different decisions in life. Then I realized, in every decisions I made, He was there, no matter what. He was there to guide me and support me in everything I do. So, whatever path I chose to go to, I know I'll be okay, I'll be fine because I have Him with me.

In our borrowed lives, we have to stop looking for something we can’t have. We should start accepting what was given to us. STOP COMPLAINING! Be thankful and enjoy our blessings. In every decisions we make, we just have to remember that we have to do what we think is best for us and the people around us. We also need to trust Him in directing our lives. He knows best, right?

And now, I am trying to live what I’ve learned from this experience. Start over.

I hope next year’s going to be a good year for me. I’m turning 25 now! Quarter of a century? Doesn’t sound good to me, and I hate it. I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday but I’ll surely have dinner with my family and have some get together nights with my closest friends. I’ll hear mass of course on my big day! I am excited and scared at the same time because I know this means more responsibilities for me so, more decision-making also. But...

... I’ll be fine, I know I will. I have to. =P

one day

It’s a great feeling to see you happy. But it breaks my heart to know that you can’t share your happiness with me.

Can you?

Maybe you will…

One day...

Someday…

will you? can you?

Solitude…
Agony…
Hate…

All these things, we endure when we give up the one person we truly cared about. Being alone was never really an option when we’re in love. The feeling or just the thought of being in love was probably the happiest and most unexplainable feeling in the world. Sometimes we do not know why we’re in love or why we love. Sometimes we can list down countless reasons why we love someone. But when the time comes that you have no choice but to give up, to let go… Will you? Can you?

Most of us tend to be selfish when it comes to love. We only think of what can make us happy, what’s the best for us. But we’re wrong. Loving is not just about ourselves, it’s about the other person --- the person you care for, the person you trust, the person who makes you laugh, the person who wakes you up in the morning with a smile, the person who kisses you without warning, the person who brings you chocolates when you’re stressed at work, the person who hugs you after an argument, the person you’re proud having in your life, the most honest person you know, the person who can easily make you smile for not doing anything, the only person who calls you boo / babs / bebs / brads (or what have you), the person you truly love.

Yes! Yes! And yes! It’s all about him!!!

When you love, it’s aptly to think about yourself first before getting into a relationship or even in getting out of one. But what if he just loves you because of what you can give to him, would you still battle in his heart?

Can he love you for the things that you cannot give?
… Would that be enough for him?

What if he’s not happy anymore?
… Would you still fight for it?

Would you let go to see him happy instead and lose the fight?


11.13.2008

cry

I used to cry because I think I was not loved.
Now, I cry because I don't think i deserve to be...

========================================================

I'm single but not ready to mingle.
I'm taken, taken for granted.

---Bernie Beluan

BWH

(not in this pic: Jun, Coy, Amats, Abhie, Carla, Cel, Agnes and Dan)

When I was lost, someone was there to find me.
When I was crying, someone was there to make me laugh.
When I did something wrong, someone was there to make me feel alright.
When I want to do something stupid, someone was there to support me.
When I need a friend, someone was there just before I ask.

I love you guys!!! You're the best!!!!

hanging

sometimes, you just need someone or something to make you realize you're doing the wrong things. sooner or later, you would feel worthless and unhappy. by then, you will stand up and search for your old self again. and when you find it, you'll be stronger than ever. you'll never make the same mistakes again. you'll be careful this time. you won't be hurt for the same reason again.

you'll get the hang of it... just hang in there.
before you know it, you'll be alright!

new thoughts

I want to buy my 1st car. Not so fancy. Something I can use everyday. Someone I can trust when I want to go around the city when I’m alone or depressed or sad or even happy. This would be my 1st intangible BFF. Hahaha! I think I can live without a cellular phone as long as I have my own car. And this year, I will buy one! I will have one!!

I want to do boxing! Anyone interested? Any suggestions? I want to try Elorde in Katipunan Extension. I have a friend who told me it was nice. I haven’t inquired about it yet but I will find time to have a new hobby. I’m looking for a boxing gym near my place in Pasay too so I can still do boxing when I’m in the south.

Calling all girlfriends!!! Let’s go!!! Time to be sexxaaaayyyyy!!!!! =D

everyday

I’m living a life today where every day’s a mystery. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what I’m going to feel. Every day, I try to find myself. Every day, I try to figure out what’s the meaning of my existence. Every damn day, I try to find for some answers.

used to be

I used to be a fighter
I used to be strong
I used to be a lover
of the same old boy

What happened to me
I don't know too
When love was lost
I became a ghost

I am new to this feeling
And I don't know how to react
But I'm hoping someday,
Love will find its way back

moving on....

sometimes, you have to hurt yourself in order for you to let go
and be someone else in order for you to move on.

walk away

when you finally meet someone you care about,
it's just hard to walk away.

bother

does it really have to bother you to see someone you "care" about with his/her ex? hhhmmmm......

old friends

It’s nice to hear from old friends when you least expect it (when you really needed them, if you know what I mean). To know that there's still someone who will listen to you (sabay batok). hahaha! And give you advices even if they know you won't listen to them. I miss those days when you can laugh, cry, and do whatever you want with them. Watch crazy movies, go shopping, hang out somewhere, drink, party all night, dance!! Name it! They're go for it!

I feel so blessed for having them. I miss them so bad! This calls for a special get together soon! =)

adieu

once you've already let go of someone, have that courage to never see him again.
because goodbyes are not created for nothing.
it really ends something.