Sunday, October 4, 2009

Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.

This is so confusing. I thought I was starting to find my own happiness already. One day, I was done with all these drama, the next thing I know, I was in wheel again. Crashing and burning at my own fire. I still love him but I’m not sure if what he feels right now will last. I have no idea what happened to him and the girl he likes. I didn’t even ask him about her anymore. Maybe, I’m scared of what I’m going to hear. But I guess I need to ask him about her soon. There are so many unanswered questions in my head. It’s making me crazy. But how will I start? Can my system process more of these drama? I think one wrong move and it’s gone! I’m going to breakdown already.

My friend told me to ask an honest question for me to get an honest answer. It’s not that easy. I think I was not ready for this. I never thought that we’ll be like this again. That he would still love me after everything that happened to us. I did a lot of crazy stuff while I was moving on. He found someone who can make him happy. He almost found love in the process of moving on as well. I broke his heart the day I told him about my condition. I feel terrible about it. I wish I shouldn’t have told him about it so that things would still be the same the way we left it. But this happened for a reason. He was right about it. He wouldn’t realize how much I mean to him if this didn’t happen. But still, we can’t be together. I am not ready to be hurt again. As much as I love him, as much as I want him, I’m still scared that one day, he will leave me again. I’m not sure if things will be as easy as before. Right now, I feel jealous every time he’s texting a “girl” friend. I’m not like this before. I know it’s stupid to think of it that way but knowing that he’s not mine, makes me feel that’s there’s no hope in us anymore. That this thing we do is just a leftover reflex from while we were a couple. For all I know, he’s flirting with other girls too. I don’t know! I can’t think straight right now! All I know is that I want him! I still love him! But there are some things we need to fix first before we can be together. There are things we need to find, ourselves maybe. We need to create ourselves again. I’m not sure if he’s ready to commit again. One thing’s for sure, if he’s going to fight for this again, I will too.

I know, you people might say I’m just being paranoid or I’m thinking too much stuff. I know I’ve been too hard on myself lately, thinking of what have I done to deserve something like this. But then I realized, this happened because it was meant to happen. I need to learn from this and learn to live life again. I’ve done crazy stuff to move on. And most of them, I regret. I need to start moving on again. This time, I need to do it the right way. I’ve been relying on other people to make me happy well in fact; I am creating my own solitude. The path I choose is the path I’ll live.

I need to take control of my life from now on.

I need to take control of how I feel.

I need to create my own happiness!

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