Sana, wala na lang!

You know that feeling when you wish you do not know anything at all? Things might be a little different when you have the power to delete some parts of your memory. Wipe away those days when you’re burnout. Just detach that special event or a coupe of dreadful moments from your head. Or for some, erase someone from their head. This will save them from all the sleepless nights they have. Those daydreaming and the “what could have been’s”. Minsan, gusto mo na lang tumakas sa mga nangyayari pero wala ka naman magagawa. Hndi naman mawawala ang problema unless you do something about it. Some people are strong enough to face the truth. They deal with reality with open mind. For some, they tend to forget what they know. Parang wala lang nangyari. Manhid na rin!

Ayoko na mag-isip!
Ayoko na magsalita!
Sana wala na lang akong alam!
Sana, wala na lang!!!

WISH

I wish I can carry your burden so you wouldn't feel pain on your shoulders anymore.

I wish I could be with you always so you won't feel alone again.

I wish you could just let me share with you my world so you can see how wonderful it is.

I wish.......

IKAW

Sa bawat pagmulat ng mata,
ikaw ang nakikita
Sa pagsapit ng dilim,
ikaw ang nais makapiling

Sa bawat tibok nitong puso,
pagmamahal ay mas sumisigla
Sa bawat sakit na nadarama,
ikaw pa rin ang nais makasama.

Paano na kung naglaho ka?
Paano na kung pag-ibig ay wala na?

Bucket List #2: Navel Ring

I was planning to get a navel ring when I was in HS but I was afraid to get one. They say it was painful and I don’t think I can handle it. My sister got hers last year and I was so jealous about it. I told her, I will get mine soon. But a friend of mine told me her story. She passed away while getting her piercing. Waaaaahhhhh!!!!! That didn’t help at all. I freaked out!! I was about to get mine already. Damn it!

But this year, it was part of my new year’s wish. To get my navel ring, once and for all. Come August of 2009, I went to Bora with my BB girls. It was not planned at all. I was buzzed already and I told them, what the heck! I need to get this done! We met a tattoo artist who happened to have a shop near Juice Bar. He does piercing too! Yey! And that night, I got my navel ring!

Isn’t it nice and sexy?

Bucket List #1: Moving Out

Being independent is something I thought I cannot do. Living on my own freaks me out. Having to do my laundry, cook food for myself, and clean the house, stuff like that. I don’t think I can do all those things. But my job calls for it. I work in Libis and I live in Pasay. My shift was changing back then, night shift to mid shift. At first, my parents wouldn’t agree with me to rent a condo near the office. But then, I tried to persuade them because I really need to find out how to live alone. I want to have my independence. Finally, they let me go. I was nervous at first but I need to prove them it was the right decision. There’s no turning back now.

My first unit was with my 3 girl friends, the KK girls. It was fun though the space was too crowded for us. We had so many crazy and fun moments in that unit. Drunken moments, crying time, crazy games, UAAP games, love blossoms and babies were made. Hahaha! If I can live with them again, I will. But we have separate lives right now. We have different priorities already, I guess. I had problems too with some roomies. You can’t please everyone, even your friend. My second unit was a disaster. It was like living with monster mom. I had a roommate who’s even worse than my mom. Seriously! I never thought it would end our friendship. Oh well.. Things happen for a reason. And now, I live with a friend, just the 2 of us. I get to experience how it’s like to be alone. Really! It’s when I go home at night and she’s not yet there. I get to feel how to live alone, literally and emotionally. It was scary at first. I feel lonely and sad. I feel pain. But then, it gives me the time I need to think about my life, about what I want to happen. Being independent doesn't have to feel you're alone too. I got lost. I realized I need to find myself again. I need to do things for myself and not for other people. I need to find my own happiness instead of relying on someone else to make me happy or make me laugh. That’s the time I realized, I need to stand on my own feet and be strong!

Living alone is scary…. But it’s also fun. You just have to allow it.

Life is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.

This is so confusing. I thought I was starting to find my own happiness already. One day, I was done with all these drama, the next thing I know, I was in wheel again. Crashing and burning at my own fire. I still love him but I’m not sure if what he feels right now will last. I have no idea what happened to him and the girl he likes. I didn’t even ask him about her anymore. Maybe, I’m scared of what I’m going to hear. But I guess I need to ask him about her soon. There are so many unanswered questions in my head. It’s making me crazy. But how will I start? Can my system process more of these drama? I think one wrong move and it’s gone! I’m going to breakdown already.

My friend told me to ask an honest question for me to get an honest answer. It’s not that easy. I think I was not ready for this. I never thought that we’ll be like this again. That he would still love me after everything that happened to us. I did a lot of crazy stuff while I was moving on. He found someone who can make him happy. He almost found love in the process of moving on as well. I broke his heart the day I told him about my condition. I feel terrible about it. I wish I shouldn’t have told him about it so that things would still be the same the way we left it. But this happened for a reason. He was right about it. He wouldn’t realize how much I mean to him if this didn’t happen. But still, we can’t be together. I am not ready to be hurt again. As much as I love him, as much as I want him, I’m still scared that one day, he will leave me again. I’m not sure if things will be as easy as before. Right now, I feel jealous every time he’s texting a “girl” friend. I’m not like this before. I know it’s stupid to think of it that way but knowing that he’s not mine, makes me feel that’s there’s no hope in us anymore. That this thing we do is just a leftover reflex from while we were a couple. For all I know, he’s flirting with other girls too. I don’t know! I can’t think straight right now! All I know is that I want him! I still love him! But there are some things we need to fix first before we can be together. There are things we need to find, ourselves maybe. We need to create ourselves again. I’m not sure if he’s ready to commit again. One thing’s for sure, if he’s going to fight for this again, I will too.

I know, you people might say I’m just being paranoid or I’m thinking too much stuff. I know I’ve been too hard on myself lately, thinking of what have I done to deserve something like this. But then I realized, this happened because it was meant to happen. I need to learn from this and learn to live life again. I’ve done crazy stuff to move on. And most of them, I regret. I need to start moving on again. This time, I need to do it the right way. I’ve been relying on other people to make me happy well in fact; I am creating my own solitude. The path I choose is the path I’ll live.

I need to take control of my life from now on.

I need to take control of how I feel.

I need to create my own happiness!

LOST

This is one hell of a week for me. Emotions are brimful. I don’t think I can take in more of these. Someone close to me lost someone. I feel like I lost someone too, he was close to us, my HS friends. Their home is like our home too. And now, that home wouldn’t be complete without his voice, without his laugh.

.....That home wouldn't be complete without him in it.

Where I’m from, everyone’s a Hero!

Project OH!
On that day...
They lost everything.
Today...
We can do so much.

Give an hour
For the Ondoy victims.
The ONDOY HOUR.

This is a project of IBM Business Services to help prepare the relief items for employees affected by Typhoon Ondoy. With just an hour of our time, we can help a lot of people already.

A lot of people have lost their houses because of this tragic event. Even their loved ones were gone, now. All we can do now is pray. Pray for all the people who were affected, pray for all the people who left this world without a warning. This event was truly heartbreaking for me. Maybe because a lot of my friends and loved ones were affected as well. I am one of the fortunate ones who didn’t have to be rescued by the boats. Or swim in order to be saved. I’ll be dead by now if that happens because I don’t know how to swim!! =(

Glad to say that our house survived Ondoy. My dad, mom and sister were all safe inside. Although they were trapped because they cannot go out of the house because the flood was waist-deep. Ate was not as lucky as I am though. She was stranded in a gasoline station near her office. She cannot move since all roads are either closed or not passable because of the heavy traffic and flood all over metro. I am stucked in the condo with my friend. We stayed there the entire day and watched TV series, movies, eat, drink and eat. It was boring, waiting for the calamity to stop. Hopeless! We watched the news and it was so disheartening. We had to stop it. We can’t even watch them suffer!

The aftermath was even more miserable as I expected it. An American Dweller here in the Philippines says, “I wish you all could see the amazing community spirit, charity and compassion in the Philippines. What I see happening here totally blows away the response to hurricane Katrina. People here have less to give, yet they are giving abundantly. There is such a greater story than just the death toll that lame American media flash to capture.” After reading this, I feel proud to be a Filipino (not that I am not proud to be one). But it might bring hope to each and every one of us. Hope to those who are affected that even if they have nothing, and even if the country is suffering, there’s still hope. Filipinos can find ways how to survive even if there’s nothing left, even if there’s nothing more to give.